Your Vibrator:
Using it, Enjoying it and Sharing it


Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., ACS
Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
American College of Sexologists

Coauthor of:
Pathways to Pleasure:
A Woman’s Guide to Orgasm

How so I start?

When you are starting with a new vibrator, it might be best to experiment alone. Having found a private place with no chance of being interrupted, lay down and begin to relax.  Fantasizing while caressing your body with your hands might help you to relax and get into the proper erotic mood. Once relaxed, turn the vibrator onto its lowest speed and move it around over your stomach and legs to become familiar with its intensity before moving down to your genitals. Once on your genitals, move it slowly to your clitoris. Discover exactly where it feels best for you, and with how hard to press.

Every woman likes something a little different, so find what works best for you. When comfortable with the sensations, move to higher settings if your vibrator has adjustable speeds. Experiment with speed, pressure, and location. Do you like to stimulate one spot or slide the vibrator around? Is it better to move the vibrator or move your pelvis, or both? Is one side of your clitoris more sensitive than the other, as it is for many women? Does it feel better on the shaft of your clitoris or directly on the head? How do your preferences change as your arousal builds?

Why start alone?

Many women might feel pressured by their partner to have an orgasm before she has had the opportunity to learn about her new toy . If you are alone, however, no one is watching and no one is waiting. No one will be anticipating or pressuring. Being alone you will probably feel less awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable. It is just you with your body and your sexual response.

Once you have become comfortable and confident with your response to the vibrator, you will be ready to share it with whomever you choose. You decide when. Many women, however, save their vibrator for their own private self-pleasuring, and that's OK.

How quickly will I orgasm?

You should not start with the expectation that you will orgasm, but rather that you will experience a new and interesting pleasure. Focus on the good feelings, not the goal of orgasm. Remember that pressure to perform will get in your way, whether it is from a partner's expectations or those in your own mind. Just relax and let the process unfold!

There is a wide variety of responses to electric and battery-operated vibrators. Some women prefer more, or less, intensity. Some become aroused quickly, others more slowly. Some reach orgasm the first time, others more time to learn to relax and their orgasms do not occur until after several sessions. Some women find they will orgasm reliably with their vibrator, but others find that it works at times, but not always. Others discover they are multi orgasmic with their vibrating toy. A dildo might add a helpful sense of vaginal fulness.

How will I know when I am close?

As a woman approaches orgasm, her body will naturally tense. This physical tensing is called hypertonicity. As you reach a high level of arousal, you will feel your body go into this hypertonicity, and you will feel the muscles in your legs, stomach and pelvis begin to tense. You will probably close your eyes, your breathing may become shallow, and you might find that you are arching your back. While it was important for you to initially relax in order to become aroused, but do not fight this hypertonicity once it begins. It is both natural and necessary. Do not be frightened by the intensity. Focus your attention on the pleasurable sensations in your clitoris and trust your body’s natural response.

Can I be trying too hard?

Stop if you feel stuck or if you begin to experience discomfort. Be patient and learn your body’s unique rhythm. You are not competing with anyone, so take the emphasis off the goal and experience the process. Pay attention to your response so you will know when to push on a little further and when it is best to take a break. Use erotic fantasy to help focus on your sexuality

Will I become addicted to my vibrator?

Some women need the intense and prolonged stimulation of a vibrator in order to reach orgasm. This does not mean they have become dependent on their toy any more than saying a woman with a broken leg is dependent on her crutch. In fact, you are not broken, but might need the stimulation for your first orgasms, or for quick orgasms, or for multi orgasms. Many women who have had their first orgasms with a vibrator find that having learned of their body’s response, they are better able to orgasm in other ways as well.

How can I make that transition easier?

After learning to orgasm with your vibrator, start your arousal by caressing your clitoris with your fingers. Then switch to the vibrator for your orgasm. Next time start with the vibrator and, upon reaching hypertonicity, switch to manual stimulation of your clitoris to achieve orgasm. As you experiment, try also to use both your vibrator and your fingers at the same time. At times, start only with manual stimulation and go as far as you can. If you are unable to orgasm and really need to, finish with your toy.

Can I share my toy with my partner?

Talk to your partner about the pleasure you feel with your vibrator, but reassure him of his ability to arouse you. Some men might feel competitive with a toy, or feel that it is a reflection on their ability to satisfy a woman. Praise his ability and offer to show him how it feels on his penis. Most men are very responsive to vibrator stimulation, especially if it is run along the underside of the penile shaft (the top surface if he is laying on his back). Try running it around the rim of the head of his penis and ask his reaction to that. By experimenting and communicating you will soon discover what he likes.

Tell him what you like and ask him if he would like to see how you use the vibrator. Men generally like to watch! It might be best if you first hold the vibrator for the initial demonstration. A compromise would be to let him hold it, but you place your hand over his to guide where he puts it and how hard he presses. Tell him also in words what you like.

Can I use it during intercourse?

One nice thing  about a vibrator is it can be used during intercourse in several positions. In both positions to be describe, there is the added advantage of allowing the man better control of his ejaculation. With the you on top, hold the vibrator tip on your clitoris while moving slowly on your partner’s penis. The man should thrust slowly, as rapid thrusting might be distracting and could speed his ejaculation. Also, if thrusting is vigorous, his pubic bone might knock into the vibrator, causing it to bump against your clitoris. The slow movement allows time to build your response to the combined stimulation.

The Female Superior Position with the Wahl vibrator is show in an article on using a vibrator during intercourse.

In addition to this “female superior” position, the “scissors position” easily accommodates the use of a vibrator. In this position the woman is on her back and the man is laying on his side. You will be at right angles to each other, with one of your legs over your partner’s waist, the other between his legs. In this position your partner can caress your breasts while you concentrate on your clitoris. Once more, the thrusting should be slow and gentle.

The Scissors Position with the Hitachi Magic Wand and other positions for using a vibrator are described and illustrated elsewhere.

Why should I hold the vibrator myself?

Vibrators that have small stimulator tips must be held in just the right spot to be effective for most women. The partner can hold the vibrator during the foreplay, but for the woman to reach orgasm it might be best for her to take over. You should feel comfortable taking this responsibility. A caring partner will appreciate being relieved of the pressure to “give you an orgasm,” and will find pleasure in your pleasure. Plus, the two recommended positions allow him to last longer and to watch you as your excitement builds to its climactic conclusion . . . and perhaps to simultaneous orgasms.

A vibrator with a larger vibrating head, like the Hitachi Magic Wand, can be held by the partner. The head is big enough that he would be unlikely to miss the target.

Is it wrong for a toy to give an orgasm?

Take ownership your own orgasm, not as something that your vibrator gives you or your partner gives you. Your orgasms are the natural response of your own body, and you are entitled to that ultimate pleasure.

Taking responsibility for your own orgasms does not mean that this exquisite experience is not shared. If you use your vibrator or your partner uses it on you, or if you use his fingers or use his erection, you are really sharing your joy with a man who will find pleasure in your pleasure. Allow your partner the opportunity to discover your “magic spot,” but if you cannot orgasm with him holding the vibrator, take over! It is your orgasm and you deserve it. Add some sound and share it with your partner.

Are there any precautions?

Obviously, an electric vibrator should never be used in or near water. Other than the dangers of getting the main body or cord of an electric vibrator wet, there is no danger of electrical shock (although female ejaculators need to exercise special caution). The normal slippery vaginal lubrication or any added lubricant poses no danger. However, as with any electrical appliance, do not use your vibrator if the cord had become damaged!

Another precaution is that you should not use a vibrator to massage your legs if you feel an unexplained ache. If you do experience chronic pain in one or both legs, unrelated to physical exercise, check with your physician to discover the cause.

As with anything you bring in contact with your genitals, do carefully wash your toys after use. Hot water and soap works fine, although fancier sex toy cleaners are available.

What if I have questions?

 Send your questions about any aspect of your sexuality to Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator (Retired Marital & Sex Therapist)
 You can e-mail your sexuality questions to Dr. Birch at

© 2002
PEC Publishing ®
429 Grand Ridge Dr.
Howard, OH 43028

Giovanna learns about her Hitachi Magic Wand [Video or DVD]

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