A REALISTIC UNDERSTANDING OF PREMATURE EJACULATION
©Robert W. Birch, Ph.D. Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
Many men are concerned with their rapid ejaculation. The greatest concern is expressed among younger men, but many of these settle down as they age. Most men have had the experience of losing control in a passionate encounter with a new and exciting woman, but familiarity typically will take care of this. However, there are men of all ages who ejaculate rapidly every time, even as they and their relationship ages.
So, what is premature ejaculation? The term implies that it happens early, before it is due, and most men have taken this to mean that their orgasm occurs before they have had time to enjoy intercourse, before the woman has had time to enjoy intercourse, or before the partner has been able to reach her orgasm during intercourse. Let's start with the last... female orgasms during intercourse. The reality is that the majority of women do not and can not reach orgasm during intercourse, no matter how long the man can endure. There just is not enough clitoral stimulation in the majority of intercourse positions. The problems and solutions regarding intercourse for women are addressed in ORAL CARESS, MALE SEXUAL ENDURANCE, and PATHWAYS TO PLEASURE.
We don't want anyone to miss the point! Intercourse is not necessarily the most effective way to bring a woman to orgasm! This is perhaps why men seem more concerned with the problem than do many of their partners. Many women enjoy the manual and oral play, but know they are not going to orgasm with penile-vaginal stimulation. Even when women attempt to reassure their partners, telling that it does not matter, many of men will continue to obsess about their lack of control..
I prefer the term rapid ejaculation over premature ejaculation, for I believe it better defines the behavior and carries less stigma. Some men are fast... they ejaculate rapidly. But how fast is fast? The average young healthy male with ejaculate in about 3 to 4 minutes with nonstop trusting, and some say that average is even faster... 2 to 3 minutes. So, let's say that a young man who ejaculates after three minutes of steady thrusting is within the average range. I have seen men who could last 5 minutes, but believed they were premature ejaculators because they thought they should be able to last as long as they like and ejaculate at will. Are there men who naturally last 15 minutes or more? Of course there are, but there are also men who cannot ejaculate at all. Like I have said, it's on a continuum, from one extreme where men who ejaculate prior to penetration to those who do not get there at all.
What's the cure?
That answer is easy. There is none, because rapid ejaculation is not an illness! One highly respected sex therapist claims a "cure" can be achieved in fourteen weeks, while another says eight to twelve. The problem with the concept of "cure" is the implication that once fixed, you can forget all about the illness. A follow-up study, however, demonstrates the error in this thinking, for this research found that three years after being "cured," the majority of the men were ejaculating just as rapidly as they were before entering therapy. What happens when men expect a cure and professionals offer it is that once improvement is gained, everyone quits working on the ejaculatory control and nothing has really been changed!
What is the answer?
That is like asking, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall." The answer, "Practice, practice, practice." I believe men can learn effective strategies for the management of their ejaculatory response. It is possible to learn what is needed to do to stay in control, but once learned, a man can never stop managing his response. I believe it is a long process, but can be a joyful one.
Quite honestly, men who are not in loving relationships with understand and cooperative women are at a disadvantage. What needs to be learned and practiced is done best within the context of a healthy and playful relationship. However, it will help a single male if he understands the process needed for control and there are ways the can begin practicing on his own.
Look for the easy answers
I think we all wish there were easy answers for life's toughest problems. Unfortunately, sex therapists have promised a quick behavioral cure, hypnotists have claimed success through post-hypnotic suggestion, and doctors have prescribed pills that are hyped as the "magic bullet". The reality is, some men do well with sex therapy, others really do not learn what they should have learned. Hypnosis might certainly help a man relax, which is important in learning control, but there is more to mastering the reflex than just relaxation. Some men respond to the medications being prescribe, but the effect wears off for some, others experience no change, and some temporarily lose their ability to ejaculate at all. Some men have even reported that the medication interferes with their ability to obtain an erection.
Unfortunately, the men who have been ejaculating within seconds for the past thirty years are probably reaching orgasm too quickly to have time to begin practicing what needs to be practiced. For these men, the medication might be one of the first things to tried. The good news is that any negative side effects only last as long as the man is taking the drug. The bad new is that any positive side effects also only last as long as the man is taking the drug! Unless a man is willing to take a medication for as long as he wishes to sexual, he should not look at the drug as a "cure." For some it will allow a man time to relax, worry less, and work on the things he must work on to learn effective control.
Where to look for help
In the links page you will find the web site address of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists. From that site, you can request the names of qualified sex therapists practicing in your geographic area. If you are uncertain about what sex therapy is, go to my page which offers an Introduction to Sex Therapy.
Many men will want to try on their own before investing time and money in seeing a therapist.
Go to the amazon.com web site and search for the book by Dr. Helen Kaplan titled How to Overcome Premature Ejaculation.
To purchase this book, click on the amazon.com icon below. Then go to Book Search and search by either the title or the author's name.
FOR MEN CONCERNED WITH PREMATURE EJACULATION
EXPLICIT 55 minutes $19.95
Male Sexual Endurance.
For even more complete information and help, order this video along with a copy of *Male Sexual Endurance This *Special offer will give you both for just $24.95!
(* Note, the books associated with the special video offers are books with slightly scratched covers, but otherwise perfect.)
With these resources, patience and practice, ejaculatory control should be within your grasp.
Question and answers
I have been amazed at the number of men who have e-mailed me asking how to solve their problem with ejaculatory control. Unfortunately, the causes are unknown, the concerns are complex, and the process of learning effective management is long and involved. There are no easy answers that can be given via e-mail... that's why I wrote a book!
I will be more than willing to respond to questions after a man has read as much as he can and has practiced for at least three months. Before a man understands the process and has spent time with it, any advice (like his ejaculation) would be grossly premature!
Any information or suggestions offered over the internet can be accepted or rejected. Remember, the giving of free factual information and practical advice is not the equivalent of therapy and is not a substitute for face-to-face counseling with a qualified professional if needed.
© 2000 by Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.
Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator
A quick review of all your options for learning ejaculatory control
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YOU CAN HAVE THE VIDEO, TWO BOOKS,AND CAN ALSO ADD A "MIND CONDITIONING" AUDIO CD IN OUR COMPREHENSIVE FOUR-PRONGED-APPROACH SPECIAL
THIS SPECIAL INCLUDES:
MALE SEXUAL ENDURANCE offers the view that "Nature" intended men to "plant their seed" rapidly as a safety precaution, and then details and illustrates step-by-step stratagies for "fooling Mother Nature." The book is written with wisdom and humor by a retired Certified Sex Therapist.
YOU CAN LAST LONGER walks the viewer through a series of sex therapy sessions with a Certified Sex Therapist. Watch as a young couple practice their "homework" in the privacy of their own bedroom.
WILD STALLION is a CD that takes a different approach that would supplement (not replace) the traditional behavioral approach in sex therapy. The erotic imagery and 3-D auditory sound effects were developed by a qualified hypnotherapist as a "mind-conditioning" approach to preparing men for longer sessions and possibly multiple orgasms.
COPING WITH PREMATURE EJACULATION is the newest book on the topic and is authored by two Certified Sex Therapists. This book looks at the various types of and causes for rapid ejaculation, and then describes steps for dealing with this concern.
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