You, Your Lover, and Your Favorite Toy!

Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Sexologist/Author/Adult Sexuality Educator
[Retired Marital & Sex Therapist]


Back in 1976, Shere Hite in a landmark book titled The Hite Report blatantly declared that “Intercourse is the most ineffective way to bring a woman to orgasm!” Men did not believe it, but sixty-five percent of women did! Only about thirty-five percent of all women are able to orgasm during intercourse with vaginal stimulation, and in most cases, that is because they have figured out how to get clitoral stimulation during the penile thrusting. (See my articles on female orgasms during intercourse.) Shere Hite reminded America that it is a woman’s clitoris that is her most responsive sexual area, not her vagina. (See my diagram of female sexual anatomy.) Unfortunately, not everyone knows this. In fact, the clitoris has only one purpose . . . to give its owner pleasure. The penis, on the other hand, must "time-share." It is use to urinate through, to transport and deposit semen, and to give its owner satisfaction. Hopefully it is used in a way to also give the man's partner satisfaction . . . but the clitoris should not be ignored.


Many women have discovered that they will orgasm much easier, more reliably, more intensely, and even more often with vibrator stimulation that is applied directly to their clitoris. Oh, it is true that many women enjoy internal vibrations and might insert their toys in the course of self-play, or their partner might find pleasure in watching it being swallowed up. However, when wanting to climax, the vast majority of women will bring the focus back to their sensitive clitoris, their “pleasure bud.”

Let’s not diminish the value of penile/vaginal intercourse, for most women enjoy the feeling of vaginal fullness, and we all know that men enjoy the warm, wet feeling of vaginal containment. Add a bit of movement, and there is typically pleasure on both ends and a special feeling of connectedness. However, the chances of the male reaching orgasm during intercourse are far greater than those of his partner making it. Even for women who might orgasm during intercourse, their partner might not last long enough for her to do so.

OK, one luscious solution is for the man to go down on his partner and orally bring her to orgasm. Cunnilingus is a very effective way to satisfy a woman. (Check out my book titled Oral Caress.) Following the woman’s orgasm, the man could then mount, thrust, and ejaculate while his partner is still well lubricated and feeling receptive. Intercourse is a wonderful way to experience an intimate bond, even if the climax is one-sided. What if, however, a couple desires simultaneous orgasms? This is when the option of  three in a bed begins to make sense.


Let’s think together about this for a moment. If a toy is to be used effectively, the position of intercourse must be one in which the woman’s clitoris is accessible, taking into account the size and shape of the two bodies. One body laying flat on top of another gives a wonderful sense of full body contact, but there is no way to reach the woman’s genitals. So, the first requirement is to find a position that allows the woman to hold her favorite toy on her clitoris, preferably in a way that her partner's trusting is not going to be bumping into her vibrator and banging it against her clit.

There is another consideration to be taken into account when selecting a position to involve your mechanical friend. Some men become too readily excited and even if a woman is fast with her vibrator, if she is in bed with a “minute man,” she might not make it! The best position has to be one in which the man can last longer and, ideally, one in which the couple can play for a while before heading for the ultimate and simultaneous climactic conclusion. Positions of intercourse are discussed in my book titled Male Sexual Endurance, and in the book Pathways to Pleasure.

If a woman sits upright on her partner facing his toes, she can easily hold a vibrator, such as the Hitachi Magic Wand, on her clitoris. In this position, it is not easy for a man to thrust, and the less thrusting he does, the longer he is likely to last. In fact, if the woman does not move, and the man does not move, she will most likely reach orgasm long before he does. This decreases the likelihood of experiencing climax simultaneously, and in addition there is not much of interest for a man to look at. Furthermore, the woman cannot look into the eyes of her lover.

It makes more sense for the woman to straddle her lover, facing his head. In this female superior position, if she sits up straight she can get the business end of a slender vibrator, such as the Natural Contours Magnifique, onto her clitoris. If her partner is a rapid ejaculator, she should keep her weight on him to prevent him from getting carried away and trusting. If she has a larger vibrator or her partner is in good control, she can rise up a bit, giving herself room to get the vibrator between them,  and allowing him enough room to trust gently. In fact, with some vibrators the man will be able to feel the pleasurable vibrations in the shaft of his erection.

An obvious advantage to the woman sitting forward on her partner is that he can reach up to fondle her breasts, he can watch to see what she is doing (men are very visual creatures), and he can watch her face. He can even watch as she is climaxing along with him . . . if he is able to keep his eyes open in those explosive moments of shared ecstasy.

The rear entry position (doggie style) works well if eye contact is not important. In this position, the man can hold the vibrator if the handle is long enough and if the vibrating end is big enough that he does not have to worry about blindly finding the small clitoral target. The Magic Wand, with its large vibrating head, works well for this. Vibrators do not have the built-in guidance system like “smart bombs,” so if the vibrator is small and the point of contact is specific, the woman should hold it herself. In the rear entry position, it is advisable to utter words of affection or emit unintelligible sounds of pleasure as a way of keeping in touch during this rather impersonal maneuver.

Finally we get to the position I most highly recommend . . . the scissors position. I had once tried to verbally describe this coital approach to a couple, but when they returned to my office the following week, I was told they had found it impossible to make penetration in this position. I pulled out a picture to show them, and the woman immediately exclaimed, “Oh, that leg!” It is indeed important to have the correct leg over the man’s hip and the other between his legs. Get the wrong leg in the right place and you will understand this couple’s frustration. I have other pictures of this scissors position.

The best way to approach the scissors position is for the woman to lay on her back. Her partner then lifts the leg that is on the side where his head will be. He then scoots in on his side, lowering this leg over his hip. At the same time the woman slides her other leg between his thighs. The man then guides himself into his partner and the two of them rest. This is a very relaxing position, as neither are having to support their own weight, or the weight of the other.

The man shown in this picture is most likely right-handed. A man should lay in the direction in which his dominant hand is free to caress his partner.

The woman’s clitoris is readily available for the woman to rub her own clitoris or for her partner’s manual caress. Her clitoral area is also easily reached with a vibrator, and just about any vibrating toy will work in the scissors position. Again, however, I recommend that the woman hold the vibrator on herself, unless the toy is large and powerful enough to shake the entire bed. As the woman concentrates on her building erotic sensations, her partner can relax, watch, caress her breasts, and perhaps thrust slowly or intermittently. An attentive partner will recognize the verbal and nonverbal indications that the woman is approaching her climax threshold. At this point he can pick up the pace and, with proper timing, orgasm with her.

A versatile, inexpensive vibrator that has proven to be ideal for use during intercourse is the Love Wand, also known as the "Flex-A-Pleaser." Buy the Flex-A-Pleaser and get a FREE Sheer Lady Finger vibrator.

Take your mechanical friend to bed. Play back and forth with it during your foreplay, and do not rush into intercourse. When it is time, pick the position that works best for the three of you and have fun!

PEC Publishing
429 Grand Ridge Dr.
Howard, OH 43028

© 2003 Robert W. Birch

Read all the articles on female sexuality and female orgasms.

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